I just found out that I have a new love. I know that must be hard to imagine, especially since to find a love you had to be looking for one, right? Well, I wasn't in the market for new love. It came without warning, took me by surprise. It has turned my life inside out. And its hard not to get swallowed up in the vortex. You may know of it, my new love is called Cancer.
Now, don't get me wrong, I DON'T LOVE being a cancer survivor. But I have to deal with it because it has become the fore front to my life now. It loves me, but the feeling is not mutual.
I am surrounded by cancer all day. I see it, I talk it, I read about it. I could try and put it in the back of my mind and forget about it, but how fair is that? Especially with all the reminders around me. With every doctors appt. I try to leave Cancer, but when I get into the car, its in the back seat. I go to the store, its all over the place. I worry that it is too much for my non cancer family members. They want me to forget and move on too.
But you tell me how I can do when it even showers with me. And some of my friends have cancer too.
It is provoking and frustrating to learn to adjust to this new love. It demands all my attention. Sometimes, I have to come up for air, or it will consume me.
I guess that's why I try to not have cancer after dark. In this way, I can see myself as the perfect lover, with no scars or mutilated aspects of survivorship. I can relax and get to know the new me. You see, after dark I feel safe. I can light candles to create calming atmosphere. I can pour myself an ounce of red wine and slowly sip into an abyss. I can close my eyes and listen to soft jazz, no words sung. The only voice I want to hear is my soothing thoughts.
After dark, I can put my cancer in a small box in the corner. And for one moment in time, I can be with me. Oh, in a way, I'm thankful for my new love. It does put the greater good into perspective. It conj oles me and punishes me. And it lets me see myself.... my real self.... after dark.
I have come to the conclusion that Cancer and I have to learn to live hand in hand. It won't be easy, each of us comes with baggage. So I have a proposal.....Cancer can hang around during the day, Mon to Fri between 8-2pm, alternating Saturdays and every other blue moon.
But defiantly ..... not after dark.
